May's Multitudes - Brokenness

I've rather neglected my poor little blog this month ... and this post was supposed to come at the beginning, not the end - but it WAS written on May 5th, and it certainly has proved to come true in my life this month in so many ways. Thank the Lord for His grace.

This is a month for brokenness.

“Loaves and Fishes”

“If my life is broken when given to Jesus, it is because pieces will feed a multitude, while a loaf will satisfy only a little lad.” ~Ruth Stull

That little lad could have kept his lunch to himself. He could have been afraid to speak up, knowing it was foolishness to even suggest such a small offering. He could have selfishly thought only of his own hunger and need and ignored those of the masses.

But he chose instead to trust. Trust a Father bigger than his own plans and dreams and imaginations … trust that He’d take care of the bigger picture – he just needed to do his part. When he did – thousands were blessed.

Brokenness. I shy away from brokenness. It hurts. I sometimes just want to hold on to what’s safe, what I can control (or think I can control). But how foolish! What do I gain – and what does anyone else gain – when I clutch my whole pieces to myself? He calls me to the altar of sacrifice where I can surrender my security, my control, my selfish wishes. When He breaks it all apart, suddenly blessings tumble forth that I never would have dreamed of. Suddenly life is more rewarding and joy-filled. My schedule is determined by He who knows best. My mind is filled with thoughts from the Father. My will is molded unto the Holy One’s heart.

The breaking is painful at first. But the more it spreads, the further it reaches … the more sweetness is poured into my life, and the more I see what I was truly made for – the Master’s holy purposes. The less I think of myself and my own ways, and the more I think of others and how I can meet their needs … and the more Christ’s priorities become my own priorities.

Let me be a broken blessing, I pray.

Grow Something Beautiful

It's that season of life. My Facebook newsfeed is filled with friends my own age having weddings, having babies, having a brand-new life with a husband ... and I - I still marvel at the fact that we're not little kids anymore - that we're actually old enough to do such things! It's beautiful to watch such things unfold in so many of my friends' lives, and I'm incredibly happy for them.

I have to laugh a little bit at the irony, though ... because here am I, the girl who swore when she was little that she would never go to college - just get married at age 18 and have 8 kids ... and that story is the furthest thing from my life right now! And yet ... God has shown me that His plans are so much better than my own - that He can do things with me as a singleton that I could never do while married, and that it actually can be a good place. Elisabeth Elliot said it so well in her book Let Me Be a Woman - "Single life may be only a stage of a life's journey, but even a stage is a gift. God may replace it with another gift, but the receiver accepts His gifts with thanksgiving. This gift for this day. The life of faith is lived one day at a time, and it has to be lived - not always looked forward to as though the 'real' living were around the next corner. It is today for which we are responsible. God still owns tomorrow."

Let me not deceive you, and make you think that I'm one happy camper who's always blithely happy about her stage in life. I'm not. My human heart does ache for more, and angst can often fill my journal entries about what I have not. But what I'm most thankful for are the whispers of God's love to my heart in this season ... and they often come out in letters to my future husband. The most beautiful treasure I own, these letters are meant to be read by only one man - the one God has chosen for me ... but this particular one, I felt needed to be shared [hope you won't mind, dear, wherever you are! :] ...

March 20, 2012
" 'Grow Something Beautiful in Your Garden While You Wait' - A whisper from God this morning as I finished up my walk/run. I had just been spending time in much prayer as I went, and as always, finished up with prayers for you. I looked across an empty black parking lot to my left, and without my contacts in, it merged into a type of lake. And I felt like that's how I am in life right now - standing at the edge of a lake, and you're on the other side, on a distant shore. I can barely see you - you're but a dim, blurry outline, and I can't see your face ... I can't look long into those eyes of yours and tell you everything I want to say. And the hard part is - you won't come around to my side until God says it's time.

"How my heart resists that notion! But as I crossed the street to the other side - glancing at a nicely manicured lawn, I felt God saying to me - 'No, it's not time for that yet, but grow something beautiful in the garden of your heart while you wait. Grow a love even deeper for HYPE and CYT ... grow mentoring relationships with younger girls ... grow long-lasting friendships ... grow faithfulness and purity for your one-day man ... grow a deeper love for Me.'

"Who knows what precious things will grow out of the seeds sown at this stage in my life? I just can't hurriedly and ignorantly rush past the beauty God has for me here as I'm trying to get to that which He's saving for later. He knows my heart ... He knows what I need best. And for His reasons, He knows I don't need you right now. Oh, I might desperately think I do, but He knows better. He's such a wise Father. Praise His name, isn't He good to us?

"Lovely, I pray your garden would be growing beautiful things, too, so that someday when we come together, we can reap a most bountiful harvest together. I love you, my dearest, with all that's within me."

Praying for more grace every day ... I remain, His daughter.

Instructions for a Rainy Day

Thoughts by which I need to be inspired on this rainy April day ...

1) Don’t carry a black umbrella (as Mrs. Mielke says, it kind of looks like a frown)
2) Lift your head to catch a few raindrops on your face.
3) Listen to the birdies joyfully singing in the treetops
4) Remember that the ground is eagerly soaking up each droplet so that it can turn luscious green
5) Let a single daffodil’s cheery yellow face bring a smile to your own
6) Savor the warmth and dryness of each building into which you step
7) Drink a cup of hot tea or coffee if you can … and listen to some piano tunes
8) Know that the sunshine wouldn’t be so greatly appreciated were it not for a few days (or more) of melancholy rain
9) Hoodies are a good idea
10) Buy someone rainboots so that you can go puddle-jumping together
And … 11) It’s never a bad thing to catch a girl’s hand and twirl her a few times through the dancing raindrops. :)

April's Atonement-This Captivating Love

Nails.

Thorns.

Blood.

Mocking cries.

Splintered wood.

Tears of a mother.

Kiss of a friend turned betrayer.

A desperate prayer in the Garden.

The cry of our Maker surrendering His spirit for a world He so tenderly loves.

And I … I try so hard to wrap my mind around it … my broken lips whispering desperately to understand the full meaning of it –

Me, this sinful mess, rebel heart, proud mocker, selfish child – died for, purchased, redeemed by the Holy One.

How could a death so ugly, so tragic be so beautiful and so perfect a plan? How could one of the most terrifying means of ancient torture now be our most treasured and sacred icon? How could I be allowed to live when the One who never sinned be slain like an animal?

My mind flinches from such awful pain and suffering … I’d rather not dwell on the horrifying details … I’d like to just grin and wish a “Happy Easter” and blithely go on my way. But I must remember. I must. Remembering only brings the truest gratitude … and humbly brings me to the most wondrous place of worship.

Wildest praise must escape my lips for a Resurrection Sunday that flames with the brilliant colors of the most beautiful ending in history. I must sing and dance and laugh and praise because of this conquering Savior. I live to the fullest because He does.

The story must be repeated for all time, because it is the Greatest Story ever told – the one that all creation was waiting for – the one that gives all of life its meaning – the one that makes my heart weep … and rejoice … and marvel … and wonder.

He my Lover. Who bought my soul at the most unfathomable price. He who did what no other ever did or could do. He whom I owe my life to … this is the One who transforms all pain to beauty, all sorrow to joy, all anger to peace, all injustice to perfect redemption.

Let all the earth rejoice … for He lives … and my soul dances in Him.

Tribute to the Quote Book

Edges browned and corners rounded smooth … frayed purple ribbon peeking from the center … elastic band holding this little booklet of inspiration and joy together – it’s just the right size to carry with me everywhere, and I do – because you never know when something will need to be written down! I’ve become known as the collector of quotes – and I love them in all shapes and sizes … from the short to the long … from secret quotes to epic quotes … from lost quotes to “quarries” (quote stories) – there’s room for any kind in my dear Quote Book.

This little journal, covered in a map of Europe is actually QB II – a follower of the first Quote Book, which now resides in an honored spot on my desk. Originally begun on our first HYPE Conference trip to San Diego, the “Quote Book” has become a catch-all for quotes from conversations; profound quotes found in books, online, on calendars, in a store; bursts of inspiration; “golden moments” of the day; or little whispers from God. It is a source of entertainment when I’m bored/lonely, a source of much laughter when “quote-gleaning/recording,” and sometimes a source of controversy as people fight for their status in the Quote Book!

I’m not sure what kind of status is bestowed on people when they get quotes in the Quote Book – and I’m still trying to figure out why the celebrations when one receives “their first quote.” But a few people’s quotes about said Quote Book might help to shed some light on their opinions:

Adam explains that getting quotes “… is how people derive their worth in life.” [oh dear … hopefully not! That’s too big of a burden to bear!]

Or as Mr. Taylor says, “You’re not a real person until you get a quote in the Quote Book.” :D [status=real personhood?]

But in reality, it’s probably because, as Josh put it, I provide an “adoring audience” to their witticisms … and I willingly laugh at the things people say, and am all too eager to record them for all time.

I doubt that such epic-ness should be attributed to just a small notebook filled with my handwriting, but whatever the case, it is fun to record people’s words and later go back to re-live old memories. Can I help it if people want to infuse the experience with a little competition? :)

Someday when I’m old and gray, I hope that I have a box filled with these miniature journals – days and years and moments of beauty and serendipity captured with a few strokes of a pen … people whom I love filling the lines of them, inside jokes that only we understand still bringing smiles after so many years. Many of those quotes will never be profound by the world’s standards, but they are words that I deemed memorable and quoteworthy – and hence I will always cherish them.

And don’t worry – if you’re not in the Quote Book yet, just take a long car-trip with me or hang out with me after 10pm – and you’ll most likely get your name scratched in there at least once! :)

Thank you to all who have contributed to this communal book so far [and yes, it’s open for anyone to read if they want!] … you’ve filled my life with delight, and I cherish every memory recorded within.

Golden Saturday Morning

Savoring this moment ... this moment that God has given me ... me a college student, standing before my mirror with cozy flannel shirt on, sleeves rolled up ... at one in the afternoon, gently brushing my eyelids with shimmery powder ... listening to Coldplay ... a morning slept in, with extra time spent with Jesus over His Word, hot mug of tea in hand ... lunch with the family ... excited for the evening with my HYPE kiddos ... peaceful in the hands of my Father. There's no place I'd rather be at the moment.

A Shadow of Me in You

This is to elaborate on the quote my sister shared with me on Facebook today:

"Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition." Alexander Smith (Scottish Poet)

This was originally written on the 1st of June, 2008:


There's a shadow of me in you ...
Traces of me in your laughter, your words, your glance.
When God painted you, He put in some of the same colors that He put in me~
Shades that glint and glimmer when we come together ...
When our souls slide together like the pieces of a jigsaw.

Our souls dance to the same rhythm,
Our hearts beat to the same cadence.
Two souls with the same passion -
Two pairs of eyes seeking the same object.
Two hands scripting the same story ...
Two pairs of feet tapping the same dance.
Two lives so completely alike.

Little things that trigger laughter in us both ... and then our eyes lift to find each other's ... a conversation ~ a song ~ a quote ~ a note penned in ink ~ a flower ~ a dream ~ a book ...

I see you in me ... and I love you all the more because of it.